Workin' at the Car Wash

It rained yesterday. It's been raining incessantly for almost 5 days now, making it impossible to go anywhere without getting drenched. It's the kind of rain that doesn't let up and makes everyone gloomy and irritable. When it rains like this it seems like the only thing that will pull me out of my funk is a ray of sunshine. Just for a short time, a little sun. I got just that yesterday, though not in the form of the glowing star a million miles from Earth.

It's Mother's Day, so I made it a point to call my grandmother. She's talking about the crazy people in the nursing home again, so I wander into my kitchen and light a cigarette (yes, I know they are bad for you.....and no, I haven't taken it up again. I was just stressed out last week). I have the kitchen window open so I can blow the smoke outside, which is where I was when Sunshine appeared. As I am standing there listening to my grandmother and most likely giving myself lung cancer, a man walks out of my apartment building onto the street. Not just any man, but a really good looking man. A really well-built man. The kind of man a woman can look at and appreciate, like a piece of art, but live and in living color. He was shirtless, wearing only shorts and flip-flops in the pouring rain. For a moment I wonder what this man is doing outside without a shirt in this kind of weather, until I notice the bucket in his hand. The bucket is full of suds and as I watch, while rapidly losing interest in anyting my grandmother is saying, he crosses the street and proceeds to wash his car. In the rain. Wearing nothing but a pair of shorts, which are clinging to him in all the right spots because they are wet from suds and rain.

I do not lie. This actually happened. I felt like I was living in a Diet Pepsi commercial and that I should call all my friends to watch the show. I watched from start to finish, pulling back into reality only occassionally to murmur "Mmm-hmmm" or "ok..." as my grandmother chatted about her week.

I don't know who he is, or if he even lives in my building. He could be gay for all I know, but I don't disciminate if all I'm going to do is look. What I do know is that whenever it rains I will be watching from the kitchen window, just in case he needs to wash his car again.

Why Did I Wait?

Why did I wait so long to have that talk with Mr. APR? What was I afraid of? Ok, I know what I was afraid of. I had run through every scenario in my head and all of them ended in an argument. In some I stormed out (though I where I would go is a mystery since I don't own a car), in some he stormed out. Perhaps that's just my prior relationship issues coming to the surface, but that's not the way it went down at all. He was so understanding, and, as it turns out, just as unsure of the relationship as I was. We should have had that talk weeks ago. At least now I know where he stands.

Now if I could just decide where I stood.........

I'm not going to tell the story because I've decided that I'm sick of it. Yes, I am actually sick of myself as I relate to OBF. I am sick of the way I act when I am around him, sick of being sad when things don't work out, sick of all the waiting and wondering.....I'm just sick. I am a mature, successful, bright adult. Why in the world can I not get out of this neverending cycle of regurgitated affection? He's a bad habit....the best bad habit I've ever had, but bad nonetheless.

How long does it take to break a bad habit?

Guy Time

So here I am stuck at work waiting for my now official boyfriend to pick me up. Funny thing about all that officialness.....it doesn't really seem that way. Sure, I call him my boyfriend to his face now, but we don't seem intent on spending that much time together. Or at least he doesn't seem to want to set aside his "guy time" to spend time with me. He's done something with they guys every single day for the past 7 days, twice at the expense of our plans. So my questions is - how much "guy time" does one guy need?

I don't want to be the overbearing girlfriend and say "Hey, you! Pay attention to me!" but I'm not sure what else to do. Twice this week we had plans and twice I got thrown over for the guys. I'm all about doing my own thing (as y'all well know from reading past posts), but where does one draw the line? Twice he didn't call when he said he was going to, although once I will allow room for error due to miscommunication. Is it his age? Are they really all "Bros before Hoes" when they are that young? Really? And again he is late. Here's another interesting observation - he can always leave early when he's hanging out with they guys......maybe just once he could leave early for me?

Maybe I haven't had enough sleep the past few weeks and being tired is making me bitchy. Maybe I am just fed up with having to compete with his friends. Maybe I'm on the verge of really falling for him and I am coming up with every possible excuse not to (analyze that, Master). Maybe it's been 4 months now and I feel like we should MAYBE have a talk about how we feel about each other. God, even a small statement would be nice. It doesn't have to be 'I love you" (even I shudder at the thought), but a confirmation that he feels this is going somewhere would do wonders for my confidence in our relationship.

And MAYBE if i was confident in our relationship I would stop messing with OBF. Although, in my defense, I did something last week that I never thought I would or could do. I walked away. I received this email that literally broke my heart. He was so confused, felt so guilty and was just so expressive about it I cried as I read it. And I also knew that he would not walk away from me. So I did it. I cut off all communication, we stopped hanging out and I avoided the office for about a week (that was pretty simple to do since I was swamped at my project site). I mean, it was a good try. Even if it only lasted a week. It probably would have lasted longer if he hadn't hit me with the news that he broke up with his girlfriend.

Yeah, everybody stop. BREAKING NEWS: OBF IS SINGLE!

Or was, for about 4 days. She's a smart girl. She bought a plane ticket and flew up here the first chance she got to change his mind. I guess it worked. And I'm the one that talked him through it. I played the best friend on the phone while he was trying to decide what to do. Oh well, as long as he's happy. Sadly, I'm not sure he is......but I don't think I want to find out.

I think maybe tonight is the night I try to have a serious talk with APR. Maybe.

Sex and the City - DC?

I know I've said it before, but I feel like I need to say it again. What is wrong with me? What was I thinking? Why in the world can't I say no to OBF? Is it his wonderfully luscious eyes, or the fact that when he speaks Spanish to me I swoon? Or is it simply a matter of wanting what you can't have? Regardless of the reason, whenever I get around him my clothes just seem to strip themselves off of their volition. I have no say in the matter, because I lose my mind whenever he gets too close to me.

Case in point - a few weekends ago he came over to hang out. We were going to have a nice day out. Get some lunch, hit up an art museum, check out the Cherry Blossom Festival. I was excited about getting out for the day. I did my hair. I put on make-up. But I made the mistake of letting him into my apartment. He kissed me. Not just any kiss either.....it was a total Hollywood kiss. The kind you see at the end of old movies where the hero has just found the heroine again after being apart for an unmeasurable amount of time and he takes her into his arms, bends her backwards and kisses her as if that is the only thing that will keep him alive.

Cue the love song.

Sigh. I'm sure those would have been fun things to do, except we didn't leave the bedroom until the next day. I know I don't have to tell you that it was incredible. You probably came to your own conclusion as soon as I said we didn't leave the bedroom. After all, why stay locked up with someone for that long if they aren't amazing? Why, indeed.

So there it is again. I am trapped in this OBF cycle that I can't seem to get out of. How do I say no to him? Do I want to say no to him? I have no idea.

But what about APR, you ask? What about APR......he's amazing too. A few weeks ago he had a "surprise week" where he gave me a little surprise each day. One day he took me out for sushi (my favorite, but the one food he can't stand). Another day he took me all the way to Baltimore to see a frog exhibit at the National Aquarium. He spends all this time trying to please me, and every day I find myself liking it more and more. When I am with him, OBF is like a vague memory. I never even think of him. But when I'm not......well, then they are both on my mind.

It's so wrong, I can practically feel the sin tainting my soul. Or maybe I would if I was a more religious person.

My friend "Germany" told me the other day that I was like the Carrie Bradshaw of DC and that I had already found my Mr. Big. First, I'm pretty sure that was meant as a compliment, but do I really want to strive to be as stubbornly single as the Carrie Bradshaw character seems to be? Second, maybe I have found him..................the question is - which one is it?

Just When You Thought It Was Over

Let me preface this entry by saying that I am very, very happy with Mr. APR. Sure, we still haven't actually had "the talk" and I know absolutely nothing of his past but when we're together it doesn't matter. He makes me laugh, does little things he knows will make me smile and his bedroom antics left me speechless (in a VERY good way) on 2 different occasions this weekend. I look forward to his phone calls at night and hate when he's away. Sounds perfect, right?



So why the hell do things like this keep happening to me?



It's Friday night. APR and I are out for our usual dinner and a movie. I've been waiting days to see him and I am just reveling in the affection. He obviously missed me as much as I missed him. My phone chirps......wait, what is this, a text message from OBF? I am confused, but I play it off. After all, OBF and I more or less decided against any contact over the weekend given that his gf was in town and I was spending the weekend with my boyfriend......or whatever you want to call him. It's not like there's been much going on there. We still talk, with the occasional innuendo, but that's been the extent of it. But still, there it was bright and bold on my phone - One new text (OBF). huh. He wanted to know the name of a certain Cuban restaurant I frequent with a friend. I've been telling him for months that I'm going to bring him there, and now he wants to know the name of it so he can bring is gf? I felt a flicker of jealousy but quickly put it out. He's not mine, why should i be jealous? I responded, and let it go.



1:00 a.m. I am laying on the bed, trying to catch my breath when my phone goes off. New text message - it's OBF. 'Thanks', it said "But we went to Havana Village instead. Hows your night going?'



(Insert Record Scratching Sound)



WTF????



He knows where I am, who I'm with and he wants to know how it's going? I didn't respond...that would just be too weird.



Sunday Afternoon - I'm sitting next to APR on the sofa. He's working, I'm working.....it's the epitome of domestic bliss. I check my email for something I am waiting on and that's when I see it. "Damn, this kinda sucks" it says. Sent at 1:37 am.



Kitten - "What sucks?" (even though I think I know the answer)

OBF - "Not talking all weekend" (Yep, I knew the answer)

Kitten - "Cute, I miss you too, now go have a good weekend and we'll talk soon."

OBF - "Let's go out this week. Soon."

He's coming over tonight to help me hang some pictures and do some other things around the place I can't do with a fractured ankle. I shouldn't let him. I know that.

But I missed him too.

Little Moments

Every now and then in one's life you are faced with a situation you are unprepared for and unfailingly shocked by. Perhaps that moment will bring you closer to another, perhaps it will tear you apart. Perhaps it will be the start of a journey you did not expect, the mystery of it's conclusion pulling you further in. Everyone has these moments; we probably have them more than we know. They are the little turning points in the road called life that we all travel and inevitably they have a profound effect.

I had one such moment over the weekend and it will stay with me for as long as I live. This weekend was by no means a good one. I spent the majority of it cooped up in a u-haul driving through a blizzard with my dad in the passenger seat. Not anyone's idea of a rockin' good time, but it had to be done. I officially live in DC. I have a permanent address and everything. I want to do a little dance, but I don't think my co-workers would appreciate the visual.

As I said, my dad drove here with me and decided to stay a few extra days. I was excited and nervous as my dad and I have never spent much time alone together. It's sad to say, but my brother is my father's child and I am most definitely my mother's. Needless to say, I was looking forward to some one and one time with him. Since we got here and got the truck unloaded on Saturday, I decided to take him sightseeing on Sunday. We hit very monument on the wall - the Capitol Building, the Washington Monument, the World War 2 Memorial, the Korean War Memorial, the Lincoln Memorial, and the Vietnam Memorial. It was at the last that my moment occurred. First, my father being a man of very few words, I was startled when he said he wanted to find someone's name on the wall. I was even more taken aback when we found the name and there, standing in the middle of DC, I saw my father cry for the 4th time in my entire life. I wonder a little what he was crying for......what happened there? Who was this person that could cause so much emotion for such an unemotional man? Was it actually this man he was crying for or perhaps the memory of many lost comrades? I don't know, because I couldn't bring myself to ask. What I could do was take his hand and stand there solemnly as he remembered things I'm sure I can't even imagine. Then, as we quietly walked away I wondered just how much there is that I don't know about my father. I think maybe it's time I make the effort to get to know him.

It Could Be More

Valentine's Day was a huge success, if i do say so myself. As it turns out, I'm not the one that went overboard. Godiva chocolates, music, dinner at a romantic restaurant, roses......and a few other things that shall remain private. He did well. But it's not the gifts that made the evening such a success. It's the little moments. The hand holding, kisses on the cheek, the affectionate looks. All of that does wonders for the ego. But there was one moment in particular when I knew that quite possibly this could be something special. We were laying there on the bed (fully clothed, mind you, though that would not last long) just looking at each other. He brushed the hair from my face and and whispered "wow." I could have asked what it meant, but I think I know. Since then things have been, well, perfect. Divine. Incredible. Something in our relationship has shifted, though I would be hard pressed to define it. I feel like we are becoming more open with each other, more in tune to the other's moods. Maybe it's just that we are getting closer. Whatever it is, I like it!