Workin' at the Car Wash

It rained yesterday. It's been raining incessantly for almost 5 days now, making it impossible to go anywhere without getting drenched. It's the kind of rain that doesn't let up and makes everyone gloomy and irritable. When it rains like this it seems like the only thing that will pull me out of my funk is a ray of sunshine. Just for a short time, a little sun. I got just that yesterday, though not in the form of the glowing star a million miles from Earth.

It's Mother's Day, so I made it a point to call my grandmother. She's talking about the crazy people in the nursing home again, so I wander into my kitchen and light a cigarette (yes, I know they are bad for you.....and no, I haven't taken it up again. I was just stressed out last week). I have the kitchen window open so I can blow the smoke outside, which is where I was when Sunshine appeared. As I am standing there listening to my grandmother and most likely giving myself lung cancer, a man walks out of my apartment building onto the street. Not just any man, but a really good looking man. A really well-built man. The kind of man a woman can look at and appreciate, like a piece of art, but live and in living color. He was shirtless, wearing only shorts and flip-flops in the pouring rain. For a moment I wonder what this man is doing outside without a shirt in this kind of weather, until I notice the bucket in his hand. The bucket is full of suds and as I watch, while rapidly losing interest in anyting my grandmother is saying, he crosses the street and proceeds to wash his car. In the rain. Wearing nothing but a pair of shorts, which are clinging to him in all the right spots because they are wet from suds and rain.

I do not lie. This actually happened. I felt like I was living in a Diet Pepsi commercial and that I should call all my friends to watch the show. I watched from start to finish, pulling back into reality only occassionally to murmur "Mmm-hmmm" or "ok..." as my grandmother chatted about her week.

I don't know who he is, or if he even lives in my building. He could be gay for all I know, but I don't disciminate if all I'm going to do is look. What I do know is that whenever it rains I will be watching from the kitchen window, just in case he needs to wash his car again.

Why Did I Wait?

Why did I wait so long to have that talk with Mr. APR? What was I afraid of? Ok, I know what I was afraid of. I had run through every scenario in my head and all of them ended in an argument. In some I stormed out (though I where I would go is a mystery since I don't own a car), in some he stormed out. Perhaps that's just my prior relationship issues coming to the surface, but that's not the way it went down at all. He was so understanding, and, as it turns out, just as unsure of the relationship as I was. We should have had that talk weeks ago. At least now I know where he stands.

Now if I could just decide where I stood.........

I'm not going to tell the story because I've decided that I'm sick of it. Yes, I am actually sick of myself as I relate to OBF. I am sick of the way I act when I am around him, sick of being sad when things don't work out, sick of all the waiting and wondering.....I'm just sick. I am a mature, successful, bright adult. Why in the world can I not get out of this neverending cycle of regurgitated affection? He's a bad habit....the best bad habit I've ever had, but bad nonetheless.

How long does it take to break a bad habit?