And We're Off

Monday - The alarm buzzes at 4 in the morning. I am up like bolt of lightening preparing for the day ahead. I've been awake for the last few hours anyway watching the time creep by and snuggling with my dogs. Normally they sleep in their kennel but as this is going to be the last time I get to see them for several months I decided to make an exception. I quickly shut off the alarm so as not to disturb my sleeping babies and ease out of bed. It's too early to care much about appearance and aside from that I am going to be spending the next two days in the car with the Ex-Boyfriend who - even though we split up weeks ago - was man enough to still agree to make the trip with me. Before I hop in the rental I make sure that I have the things I didn't want to leave in the car overnight.


Overnight Bag? Check.
Laptop? Check.
Jewelry Box? Check.
Purse? Check.
Box Containing 5 Bottles of Wine? CHECK!

Okay. I'm ready. I can do this. One foot in front of the other. Right? After a few last tender moments of ear scratching for my babies it's time to leave. My parents are awake to see me off and as we exchange our good-byes I find myself tearing up. I might have been fine if my dad hadn't cried. But he did, so I did, then my mom did and the living room has suddenly become the site of Sobfest 2007. Eventually I am able to extract myself from my mother's embrace and get into the car. Here we go............

ExB is waiting for me when I get there to pick him up. He takes one look at me and decides to take the first shift driving. I don't see well at night anyway, but pair that with being blinded by tears and I am an accident waiting to happen. It's hard at first to leave this place where I grew up, but the further away I get the easier it is to breathe. A little distance is all I need - it's why I chose to leave in the first place.

Tuesday - Day two.....we're off! We made excellent time Monday so we were able to sleep in and take our time the second day. Not only that, but ExB and I are getting along famously. As much as I was dreading driving across the country with him it turns out to be a really good thing. It's amazing what kind of issues you can work through when you are stuck in a car together for 12 hours with nothing else to do but talk. I'm feeling good - the relationship is being repaired, the weather is outstanding, we haven't hit any major construction.............and then we hit the city. Oops! Wrong exit and we are lost in the middle of D.C. during rush hour. I, of course, think it's an adventure but ExB looks sick to his stomach and because I know him so well, I know he is trying his hardest not to hyperventilate. Two hours later we finally reach our destination. At least he got to see the monuments at night.

It's later, after a few tequila shots and a pineapple pizza, that I take a look around at my boxes and bags piled haphazardly in every open space that it hits me.........this is for real. It's no longer just talk between friends. This is for good. Tomorrow ExB is going back to Minnesota and I am not. I admit to myself that I am more frightened that I had been letting on. D.C. is so far out of my comfort zone it's not even on the radar. I can feel ExB watching me and I know he knows I am starting to lose it. A split second later he's beside me and two minutes after that he has managed to talk me down. I'll give the guy some serious points - he could hate me......he has every reason to. But instead, he chooses to spend 48 hours trapped in a rented SUV filled so full that the seats can't even recline and then he offers me a shoulder when I need it. Somebody remind me why I couldn't commit because if he is not the perfect man than the perfect man does not exist.

I cried again today when he left. I cried so much my eyes hurt, my throat burned and I almost went through an entire box of Kleenex. I would like to say that I was crying because he is gone, but I don't think that's all of it. He was the last familiar thing I had here (besides Loz, of course) and to watch him walk out that door was more difficult than I could have possibly imagined. Having him leave makes it real - I actually went through with this. Like Loz says, it's time to focus on the now instead of the then - grab the bull by the horns, name that bull "life" and hang on for dear life.

GIDDYUP!